Midlife Inspiration: You’re Never Too Old to Live Your Dreams

I recently spent some time visiting assisted-living facilities and nursing homes.  The event that prompted this “adventure” was my mother having a stroke and becoming visually impaired. Unfortunately this necessitated her no longer being able to live on her own and therefore having to make other arrangements.

What struck me as I was investigating these facilities and talking to some of the residents was how disengaged in life many of the folks had become.  The “why” I discovered was that fundamentally they believed they had nothing left to live for.

Some hadn’t even begun to empty out their “bucket lists” –  do those things they had always dreamt about.  When I commented that it was never too late, the majority said, “Oh no, I’m too old.”  What a sad statement.

I don’t believe we’re ever too old to experience the joy of doing something we truly love, even if it’s just a small piece of it.  For example, a client once told me that, at the age of 75, he was far too old to even contemplate becoming an architect, his life’s dream.  Perhaps he wasn’t about to go back to school to do the requisite study but does that mean he couldn’t live out his dream in another way.  He could have opted to volunteer at an architect’s office or do some simple online CAD training.  Anything that was related to architectural work.

If you need some inspiration to follow your dreams, then maybe these examples might spur you on:

• Benjamin Franklin, at age 78, invented bifocal spectacles.
• Mary Fasano, age 89, earned her undergraduate degree from Harvard.
• Architect Frank Lloyd Wright designed the Guggenheim Museum at 90 years of age.
• David Ben-Gurion, the first prime minister of Israel, taught himself ancient Greek when he was at an advanced age just so he could master the classics.

Ages 35-55 might be the peak times for creativity in many fields but people in their 60s and 70s, though slower, are as productive as they were in their 20s. So if you’ve given up because you think you’re too old, think again, get rid of that limiting belief and GO FOR IT!

Cellist Pablo Casals was 91 when a student asked, “Master, why do you continue to practice?” His reply, “Because I am making progress.”

Midlife Passion or Fantasy?

A question I was recently asked by a participant in my workshop about finding and living your passions (those things that are truly important to you) was “how do I know if this (what I want) is really my passion or just pie-in-the-sky?”  In other words, is this goal inspired by higher-level values or is it simply a fantasy?

Values are the motivators of your behavior.  Your values are those deeply-held beliefs about what is good or bad, appropriate or not, right or wrong.  They come from childhood (the first seven years when your critical-thinking skills were not developed) and are based on your observations of those people around you – parents, grandparents, teachers, religious leaders etc.

Your motivation to live your passions and achieve your goals is based on your perception of the feeling that passion will give you once it is achieved. Is that feeling internally- or externally-driven?  The answer will give you insight into whether or not your goal is a worthy one.  Whether it is truly your passion or a fantasy.

Step 1 – What is the Underlying Value?

Look at your passion/goal and ask yourself the following question until you get to an answer that repeats if you continue to ask the question – When I am living this passion (goal that is truly important), what will that get me? That repeating answer will be a value (freedom, security, peace, etc).

Example: Your passion is to be the top Country and Western singer in Nashville

Question: What will that get me?

— I’ll be in front of large audiences

What will that get me?

— Fame and fortune

What will that get me?

— Lots of money

What will that get me?

— A big house, fast cars, worldwide travel

What will that get me?

— Happiness  and fun

So the values are happiness and fun

Step 2: Is the Value Internally- or Externally-Driven?

Once you have determined what the value is, can you get it if you do not achieve your goal?  So the next question is – If I never achieve this passion, will I still be able to get/be (Value)?

From the example above: If I never get to be a famous C&W singer, can I still get happiness and fun?

If the answer is no, then you are depending on something external to yourself to bring you happiness and fun.  If achieving your goal is the ONLY way you can get happiness and fun, then you are being ego-driven.

If on the other hand, you say, “yes I can still have happiness and fun even if I never live my passion because I enjoy singing just for myself even when there is nobody around.  Singing makes me happy on the inside and it’s a tremendous amount of fun” then you are being internally motivated.

Your goal is a worthy one! You will likely have the drive and energy to pursue it until you are successful even if you are faced with challenges along the way.

Make a Difference!

My husband and I recently spent a week on Longboat Key, Florida. Our two-bedroom condo, albeit rather rustic in appearance, was located right on the beach, which meant that all we had to do was go down a flight of stairs and we were directly on the sand.  The sunsets were spectacular, the beach uncrowded and the water a tepid lukewarm temperature.

Each time we walked along the beach we spent considerable time delving through pile upon pile of shells. Many were a delight to behold but the highlight was a live starfish floating gently to and fro in about ¼” of water.  I had never seen one before, nor had friends who had lived at the beach for years. That starfish reminded me of the following story…

The Starfish Story

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

“I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?” asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, “It made a difference for that one.”

(adapted from “The Star Thrower” by Loren Eiseley (1907-1977)

So ask yourself, have you made a difference for someone or something today?  Perhaps it was an action so small you don’t even remember… a kind word … a smile … a helping hand. It may not have seemed like much but it could have made a difference!

Midlife: Following Your Passions: If Not Now, When?

There are a number of reality shows out there in TV land.  They feature dancers, singers, models, fashion designers, home designers, chefs etc. etc. The only show along those lines that I’ve ever really followed is Dancing With the Stars though I have to admit I enjoy the food-related ones as well.

What makes people appear on those shows?  Probably a number of different reasons but the bottom line is that they are passionate about the skill they bring to the show.  They give their all. They are focused on being absolutely the best they can be at their craft.  All in the hopes of winning and being able to fulfill the dream of living their passion.  Every decision they make, every sacrifice is based on following their passion.  Some are successful, some aren’t.

Take Paul Potts, the winner of the Got Talent competition, for example. He always liked opera. With his self-confidence at rock bottom because he was always “different”, he sang in private to console himself.  At the age of 37, nervous and shy, he nonetheless showed up for the audition of Britain’s Got Talent competition and launched into a spectacular tenor aria Nessun Dorma. The judges and the world were stunned. He went on not merely to win, but to sing for the Queen. And now having produced a hugely popular CD he is touring the world.

Are you following your passions?  If not, why not?

All too often we make choices that are not in favor of our passions because we can’t see HOW that passion could possibly be fulfilled. You are not responsible for the HOW.  Your job is to get crystal clear on the WHAT. Once you are focused on and totally committed to the WHAT, the HOW will take care of itself. By taking even small action steps you will find opportunities coming to you that you hadn’t even imagined. When Paul Potts committed to the WHAT, the HOW appeared.

You can discover your passions without spending agonizing months in front of audiences and a panel of judges.  Let The Passion Test(tm) help you become clear on those five things that would leave you feeling terribly unfulfilled if you didn’t accomplish them during your life.  If not now, when?

Midlife Lifestyle: Time to Bring Back Conversation

The following article got my attention because it covers a topic that had just been on my mind.

My husband and I recently returned from a trip to Orlando (part business, part pleasure).  While there we found an incredible restaurant/wine and jazz bar where we had a delicious meal, excellent service and great conversation.

During the evening a “middle-aged”, well-dressed, professional-looking couple came in and were seated a few tables away.  Since they were in my line of sight I couldn’t help but notice them during the hour or so that they were there. The interesting part was that they probably only spoke with one another for about 10 minutes during the whole time. Didn’t they have anything else to say?

Obviously, there could have been a number of reasons they weren’t communicating (just had a fight, jet lag, etc) but my thought was “how sad.”  As the following article goes on to state, we have, in many cases, lost the art of conversation.

Perhaps it’s time we brought it back!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is the Art of Conversation Dying?

(And if so, why?)

Broadly speaking, I’d answer with “Yes.”  I notice much less of this art than I did a few decades ago.

Another way I respond to this question is that “The artists of conversation are dying off, and there are fewer remaining.”

Why are they “dying off”?

As with the pandemic of obesity and poor health, if people have too little exercise and too much junk food, their health will fail. High blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.

The same is true with the art of conversation: It’s a “use it or lose it” situation.

Here are some key reasons why this art seems to be dying:

1.  We live in a hurry-up world that doesn’t support lengthy conversations. The main way people learn and maintain skills in the art of conversation is the amount of time they devote to it.  But if everyone’s rushing and too busy to talk, their skills suffer.

2. Conversation has been replaced by television as a form of social and family entertainment.  Although you may go to the home of friends to watch a TV show or a DVD, you are less likely to pay a visit for an evening of talk.  The number of hours Americans spend watching television is huge compared to the time they spend talking.

During my childhood, family friends and their kids would come for a visit and an evening of coffee and conversation.  We kids would play board games or cards.   Sometimes kids would just listen to the grown-ups, especially if one of them was a good story-teller.  Nowadays?  Not so much.  In fact, almost not at all.

3.  True “third places” are fewer. Not the home or the workplace, but a place that is highly accessible and free or inexpensive for food and drink such as lodges, bowling alleys, neighborhood pubs, coffee shops.  At best, they’re like the bar in the classic TV show Cheers, “where everybody knows my name.”

Robert Putnam of Harvard wrote his book, Bowling Alone (2000) to describe the “The Collapse and Revival of American Community.”    Since its publication I have seen a continuing collapse – but not many signs of revival.

4.  My guess:  Conversation skills are not valued in our society as they once were. Rarely do I hear a person described as “well-spoken,” or as a “fascinating conversationalist.”   I used to hear such phrases as compliments that identified a person.

What is valued is sought after.  My belief is that if conversation skill were highly valued, hundreds of courses and programs would spring up to support people to master the skill.

What can you do to maintain or grow your art of conversation?

• Participate in a book club where members discuss ideas.  (Most public libraries host or know about such clubs in your community.)
• Join or form a “conversation café.”  The rules for setting up such an activity are pretty simple, and get-togethers are held in local coffee shops.  Check www.conversationcafe.org for details.  Or form a “MasterMind Group”  with a few associates to help advance toward your goals.
• Defy convention and host “an evening of conversation” at your home. Turn off the tube.  Play a word game like “Fictionary” to get people talking.  Or create some “Getting to Know You” conversation starters.
• Identify the smart and articulate people in your life and invite one of them for a walk or a cup of tea for the purpose of sharing your thoughts in a deeper conversation.  (This can work, as philosopher Theodore Zeldin has demonstrated with his popular “Feast of Conversation” events in London where hundreds show up for the opportunity to talk about deep ideas with a complete stranger.)

Just as staying trim and fit takes some time and effort with exercising and eating wholesome food, keeping your art of conversation alive also takes a some special effort.

The Better Conversations Newsletter by Loren Ekroth.  Reprinted with permission.  Copyright 2010.  All Rights Reserved.  Dr. Loren Ekroth is the publisher of “Better Conversations” newsletter since 2002.  For a free subscription to The Better Conversations newsletter visit www.conversationmatters.com

Midlife: Are You the Chicken or the Eagle?

Our lives are shaped by the way we perceive ourselves.  Sadly, those perceptions are often a long way from the truth but we nonetheless behave and live as if they were true. How many times have you stopped yourself from living your dreams because you “didn’t deserve to”, “weren’t good enough to”, “didn’t have the right background”, “weren’t smart enough” or a myriad of other “good” reasons?

A perfect example of this is a story that comes from American Indian folklore. According to the legend, an Indian brave found an eagle’s egg that had somehow fallen, without breaking, from its nest. Not being able to find the nest, the brave put the egg in a prairie chicken’s nest, where the mother hen hatched it.

When the young eagle took his first steps into the world what he saw were the other prairie chickens.  So naturally he did what they were doing – scratching the ground, running around and pecking here and there looking for grains and husks. Every now and again they would use their wings to fly a few feet above the ground. This was the way he perceived life was meant to be and this was how he lived for most of his days.

The legend continues with how one day an eagle flew over the chickens. The now elderly eagle, still thinking he was a prairie chicken, looked up in awe and admired the bird as it soared through the sky. “What is it?” he asked, astonished.  One of the chickens replied, “That is an eagle, the proudest, strongest and most magnificent of all the birds. But don’t imagine that you could be like that. You are one of us and we are just prairie chickens.”

And so, imprisoned by this belief, the eagle lived and died thinking he was prairie chicken.

Think “impossible” and dreams get discarded, projects get abandoned, and hope for wellness is torpedoed.  But let someone yell the words “It’s possible,” and resources we hadn’t been aware of come rushing in to assist us in our quest.  I believe we are all potentially brilliant and creative-but only if we believe it, only if we have an attitude of positive expectancy toward our ideas, and only if we act on them. – Greg Anderson, “The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness”

What are You Reflecting in Midlife?

House of 1000 Mirrors (Japanese folktale)

Long ago in a small, far away village, there was a place known as the House of 1000 Mirrors. A small, happy little dog learned of this place and decided to visit. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging as fast as it could. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast as his. He smiled a great smile, and was answered with 1000 great smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the house, he thought to himself, “This is a wonderful place. I will come back and visit it often.”
In this same village, another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, decided to visit the house. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door. When he saw the 1000 unfriendly-looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, “That is a horrible place and I will never go back there again.”

What kinds of reflections do you see? Do they change depending on how joyful and engaged in life YOU are?  If you don’t like what you see, perhaps you need to take the first step of looking within.

Midlife Mist

Over the holidays we’ve had some interesting weather here in the Washington DC region. Cold winter weather with a snowstorm followed by unseasonably warmer weather which caused late-night and early-morning fogs. As I drove through these foggy conditions, I started thinking about the fog we can sometimes feel like we’re in at certain times of our lives.

Feeling unfocused and befuddled we may feel like we can’t see what direction we are headed in.  All of a sudden we are stuck because we’re afraid we might run headlong into “something hidden in the fog.” Sometimes it takes a fog to slow us down so that we can become still and go within.  Perhaps there is an important lesson here that we need to learn.  Is there an emotional issue that we need to deal with? Are we bored and unmotivated in a job? Have we lost our way in life and need to find the light in the mist to get us back on track?

It’s uncomfortable being in a fog, but when the sun comes out, the fog lifts. You can find that sun inside by determining what is important to you in your life right now. What would get you excited and motivated to jump out of bed in the morning? What are you really passionate about? What do you do that seems to make time stand still?

Harness that excitement, start to take some steps in the direction of your passions and you will feel the warmth of the sun dispersing the fog around you. Those foggy times in our lives come and go.  When one surrounds you, don’t let impatience take over.  Stop, redirect your attention onto your inner light and let it guide you out into the sun. 

Midlife: Deserting Our Ideals

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
-Samuel Ullman (from “Youth”), businessman and poet (1840 – 1924)

Are you becoming disillusioned with your life?  Not sure what your purpose is? Think you’ve found your purpose but it isn’t “moving you to tears”?  These are some of the questions that participants in my classes grapple with. 

Discovering what is truly important to you is an “inside job.”  You can’t think your way there using your mind.  Go within by focusing on your heart (it may even help to put your hand over your heart) and let the feelings bubble up. If you start to get excited about a particular path, follow it and see what else comes up.  Some people find it difficult to connect to the heart so it may take some time.  Don’t let impatience and the need to find the answer get in the way of allowing the journey to happen.

Ask Yourself…

What ideals have you deserted? 

In what area have you become less than enthusiastic about your life?

Action Steps …

Look at your ideals – to see why they have changed.

Become your own architect – create something that will make you jump for joy every time you think about it.

What one small step can you take TODAY to stop your soul from wrinkling?

Midlife: With or Without Color?

From …                                                                          To …

Life with Passion

Life without Passion

A 2005 Harris Interactive Study showed that only 20% of Americans are passionate about what they do. That leaves 80% who are leading lives somewhere from “quiet desperation” to “dull and boring.”  Life without color!

This theme came through loud and clear in a movie I saw this past week – “An Education.”  It’s the coming-of-age story about a young teenage girl in the early sixties in suburban London.  Her parents, especially her mother, appear to be living lives relatively close to the “quiet desperation” end of the continuum. 

Jenny wants something more out of life and finds it when she meets a playboy twice her age. Her “grey” life all of a sudden becomes filled with color. Her passion for the exciting new lifestyle leads her to experiences she could only have imagined in her dreams, at least for a while. I’ll leave the story there so as not to spoil the ending in case you see the movie.

The point here: passion for living, for doing those things that are truly important to you, will add so much color to each day. You will wake up with a new zest for life … joyful and excited, ready to take on each new challenge. Passion is the motivator that will help you achieve success.

If you don’t know what you’re passionate about, take The Passion Test™. The participants in my workshop this past weekend found it to be a real eye-opener!  Contact me – evelin@blueprints4change.com