Stressed Out by the Way You See Yourself?

“You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself ” – Zig Ziglar

Do you find that something is always getting in the way of you achieving your goals? You do all the right things but you just can’t get to first base, never mind home base! Perhaps it all comes down to the way you see yourself. If you can’t picture yourself succeeding, you won’t get there.

Your logical left brain may be making all the right moves but your vision of yourself is wishy-washy. Your vision or self-image is the way you define yourself, the way you are in the world. It drives everything you do.

Your self image is dictated by your most important beliefs. You may be aware of some of these beliefs but others are hidden under the surface. For example, “I’m too old for this” or “I don’t have the right connections” or “I need an MBA or they won’t think I’m credible.” On and on it goes. If you change these hidden beliefs, you can make huge strides in changing your life because the way you see yourself will change.

Many of these beliefs come from significant emotional events that we went through when we were young. Words that our parents said to us, we took on as our own and we saw ourselves that way. Perhaps you were told “you’re stupid” or “you’ll never amount to anything” or “you’re always doing something dumb.” We connected to these concepts through our conscious, feeling hurt and disappointed. We felt powerless. As adults, we shrug our shoulders and say “This is just the way I am.”

Most people (yes, even the rich and famous) are afflicted with some form of “I’m not good enough.” You will have a hard time being successful in any area of your life in which you feel not good enough.

So how do you change these negative thoughts. There are a number of ways but my favorite is EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) or “emotional acupuncture.” Start globally with “Even though I don’t feel good enough to — ” Then ask yourself “WHERE am I not good enough?” and “HOW am I not good enough?” Pay attention to where you feel it in your body. Then start tapping. If you’re not familiar with EFT, contact me so that I can help you get started.

So bottom line, if you want to perform in a successful manner, see yourself as being successful. Do whatever you have to in order to get rid of any limiting beliefs that tell you otherwise. Once you have a crystal-clear picture of attaining your goals, when you feel the excitement of success and when you hear those words of praise, then you will be well on the road to goal achievement.

Midlife Mist

Over the holidays we’ve had some interesting weather here in the Washington DC region. Cold winter weather with a snowstorm followed by unseasonably warmer weather which caused late-night and early-morning fogs. As I drove through these foggy conditions, I started thinking about the fog we can sometimes feel like we’re in at certain times of our lives.

Feeling unfocused and befuddled we may feel like we can’t see what direction we are headed in.  All of a sudden we are stuck because we’re afraid we might run headlong into “something hidden in the fog.” Sometimes it takes a fog to slow us down so that we can become still and go within.  Perhaps there is an important lesson here that we need to learn.  Is there an emotional issue that we need to deal with? Are we bored and unmotivated in a job? Have we lost our way in life and need to find the light in the mist to get us back on track?

It’s uncomfortable being in a fog, but when the sun comes out, the fog lifts. You can find that sun inside by determining what is important to you in your life right now. What would get you excited and motivated to jump out of bed in the morning? What are you really passionate about? What do you do that seems to make time stand still?

Harness that excitement, start to take some steps in the direction of your passions and you will feel the warmth of the sun dispersing the fog around you. Those foggy times in our lives come and go.  When one surrounds you, don’t let impatience take over.  Stop, redirect your attention onto your inner light and let it guide you out into the sun. 

WorkLife Balance: Getting the Most out of Life

During the course of every day we are faced with numerous challenges and opportunities.  Very often we react out of habit without stopping to think whether or not we are taking the best course of action.  To help you decide if you are on track, here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:

What is my responsibility here?
— your responsibility is to see the situation clearly, in a detached manner, without being unduly influenced by overblown emotion. Perhaps you need to involve others, perhaps not.

Is this situation part of a pattern?
— many of our challenges are issues that we haven’t resolved in the past.  Do you finally need to get to the bottom of it and resolve it?

What am I resisting?
— the things we resist usually are the ones that help us grow the most. Do you need to let go of something?

What lessons can I learn here?
— are you willing to seek out the lesson, hear it and act on the subtle guidance you receive?

Have I lost focus and energy?
— negative thoughts impact our energy.  Let go of the anger, frustration and anxiety and find a place of peace.

To act or not to act?
— sometimes it’s important to let the fog clear before taking action. Don’t act out of fear that if you don’t do something, the situation will get worse.

Am I seeing the big picture?
— there is always a choice and more than one way to deal with a challenge.  Setting up expectations, conditions, demands and prejudices can keep us stuck.

Am I at peace with this?
— being at peace is the key to gaining closure and knowing that the situation is complete. You have done the very best you could under the circumstances. You are on track!

Midlife Health: Manage your Stress by Becoming a Child

With all the stresses and busy-ness of today’s life, take some time to remember how “simple” things were when you were a child.  How much fun it was just to skim a rock across a still lake, wander through the woods with your dog, skip rope with friends in the park, feed seagulls on the beach!  No responsibilities, no worries, nothing to do except have fun.  Consider becoming a child again, at least for a short period of time.  Your responsibilities will still be there when you return but they will seem less burdensome after your break.

Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a pavement with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and play doctors and nurses with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all I knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, and it didn’t bother me, because I didn’t know what I didn’t know and I didn’t care.

All I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worry or upset.

I want to think the world is fair … that everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my mobile phone. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause…
……”Tag! You’re it.”

— Author Unknown

Midlife: Walking the Talk

Today I’d like to share a guest post with you …

Walking the Talk

Most conversations seem to be carried on while people aren’t moving.  Instead, they are seated around a table, in a restaurant booth, on a park bench, at an office desk.  Does their being sedentary affect the quality of communication?

Probably, yes.  For example, persons seated across from one another may be more confrontational.  As well, people seated may be more “fixed” in their viewpoints, just as they are fixed in their seats.  Furthermore, where you sit often signals who has more power.  The one at the head of the table tends to be the chairperson or the boss.  Spacing and seating like this are concerns of the science of proxemics devised by anthropologist Edward T. Hall and explained in his classic book, The Hidden Dimension.

What, if any, might be the advantages of talking while walking?

1.  When persons walk together, side by side, they almost always walk in rhythm, almost like a dance.  When “in sync,” we humans feel more similar and collaborative and thus more prone to common understanding and agreement.  That’s a plus.

2.  Talking while walking side-by-side has the effect of diffusing intensity because we’re not looking directly at each other.  Because we must look where we’re stepping, our full attention can’t be on the other person.  This lessened attention can also be positive, at least in certain situations.

3.  When we are walking, we are not only getting some exercise, but also our bodies are releasing “good chemicals” – the endorphins that lift our mood.  (Physicians typically prescribe “take a walk in the park” for patients who suffer from depression.) As well, even gentle exercise like walking can have the effect of raising the serotonin level in one’s system, the result being an enhancement of mood and reduction of anger and aggression.  Certainly, talking is more congenial when we’re in a good mood.

4.  Walking in nature can be especially powerful in stimulating good feelings.  Strolling through a rose garden, down a lushly tree-lined path, or in a redwood forest gives us awesome beauty and may induce a broader perspective on differences we may have with others. 

5.  For those who might think that to talk about serious topics we must be seated, as at a conference table or in a classroom, I’ll remind you of Jesus and Buddha, teaching their disciples while walking.  And of the “peripatetic school” of Aristotle and his own teacher, Plato, known for discussing big ideas while walking around.  In modern times, history describes significant diplomatic negotiations that took place during “a walk in the woods.”

6.  Finally, I have often observed “mall walking” by small groups of friends.  (Here in Las Vegas, far too hot for walking outside in the summertime, shopping malls allow these groups to walk for exercise before stores open.)  These groups are not only exercising, but they’re creating lively social events.  Everyone’s walking, and most walkers are talking.  And the socializing seems to be more fun than if they were sedentary in a coffee shop.

I hope this short article has given you some good reasons for “walking your talk.”  Doing so has some advantages.

(Dr. Loren Ekroth, a national expert on conversation, publishes a complimentary newsletter each week.  Subscribe at www.conversationmatters.com)

Midlife Stress: The Need for Approval Leads to Indecision

Here is the fourth post in my series of “are you plagued by stressful thinking patterns?”

Do you find yourself procrastinating frequently and unable to make decisions? A possible reason may be your need for approval.  Perhaps you need acceptance and permission from others so that you can feel comfortable in decision-making and daily living. The degree of the need for approval ranges from being self-sufficient to being dependent.  The more you need approval for your actions, the more dependent you become on others to determine your self-worth.

How many of the following statements are true for you?

• I harbor insecurities
• I am over cautious
• I seem wishy-washy
• I imitate others
• I am reluctant to try anything new
• I have many fears
• I appear anxious
• I need to put on a false front
• I tend to tell people what I think they want to hear
• I work hard for the approval of others
• I worry about whether people like to be with me
• I bend over backwards to please others
• I find it difficult to take control of my own life
• I worry about being rejected by others
• I always follow, never lead
• I fear risk-taking
• I fear making mistakes
• I am filled with self-pity
• I negate my own ideas
• I accomplish little on my own
• I have a limited social life

Any of these statements make an excellent starting point for EFT. If you would like help in getting rid of your need for approval, contact me at evelin(AT)blueprints4change.com or visit my website http://www.blueprints4change.com

A related post you may wish to read is Do you have a Poor Self Image? http://budurl.com/ep6s

Stress: Who has Control?

This is the third post in my series of “are you plagued by stressful thinking patterns?” 

What are your beliefs about who is responsible for what happens in your life? Specifically, do you believe you have control over your life or are you being controlled by something or someone else?

We become stressed not because of the circumstance/event/situation, but because of our perception of it. If we firmly believe that we, rather than some outside force, have control over our lives, then we have internal control.  If we think that fate, luck, chance or others play a dominant role, we are externally controlled. Allowing ourselves to be controlled is giving up our power. This leads to stress. When we give away our power, it’s like waking up in the morning and asking someone else how we should feel.

Obviously we can’t be responsible for everything that happens to us but we can assume responsibility for our reaction to the situation. Acknowledging that it’s “up to us” builds self-confidence and a positive self-image.

To discover if you are externally controlled, go through this list and add up the number of times you answer “true”.  The more “trues” you have, the less you feel you are in control.

• I need others to give me direction
• I focus on external/material factors
• I worry a lot
• I feel controlled by others and things
• The events in my life force me to be the way I am
• I do not control my life
• Luck and chance play an important role in my life
• I drift through life waiting for something to happen
• Others create the problems in my life
• I don’t know how to do things for myself
• I lack initiative
• I feel a sense of helplessness
• I feel empty and shallow
• I eat compulsively
• I am absent from work a lot
• I don’t aspire to much
• I feel demeaned
• I experience inadequate intimate relationships

For more information about stress management techniques, contact me at evelin(AT)blueprints4change.com or visit my website http://www.blueprints4change.com

To read the first two posts in this series, go to:

Are you Stuck Living in the Past?

Do you Have a Poor Self Image?

You Have My Complete Attention!

Do you remember when you last said those words?  When was the last time you REALLY listened to someone?  When did you give your UNDIVIDED attention to what was being communicated without already forming your response?  I’d hazard a guess and say that it doesn’t happen too frequently. Knowing that someone is not listening or paying full attention is stressful particularly if it happens on an ongoing basis.  Many relationships suffer from communication breakdown related to one or both of the partners not listening.

Poor listening skills are developed throughout life.  They begin with bad habits such as not paying attention, listening but not hearing due to preconceived ideas, rehearsing a response while the other person is still speaking, interrupting and not waiting for the real meaning to be divulged and hearing what is expected rather than what is meant and so on.

So how well do you listen?  Read through the following and rate yourself:

Do I have your undivided attention?

Listening Grades:
 
F
  “HUH” – “I don’t know what you said,” (implying “and I don’t care!”)
 
D
 “Yes – BUT” – speaker only hears “BUT.” You let the other person talk but you have been preparing your response, not listening.

C
 “HMMMM” – just quietly passively listening.  You are letting the other person talk but not preparing a response.

B
“Aaah” – actively listening.  You are really trying to understand.

 
A
“Let me see if I understand what you just said, “…” is that what you said?” You can tell the other person just what he/she told you.  She/he knows you understand.

A+
Same as “A” but stating the other’s thoughts in a more compelling way than she/he did in the first place.
To improve your listening skills, identify your own bad habits and make an effort to change them. Become an ACTIVE listener.  It takes mental effort and attention but you will be rewarded with more effective communication and less misunderstanding.   So remember:

• Avoid prejudging
• Listen with the mind, not the emotions
• If the subject is boring, listen for information that is useful or important
• Notice non-verbal language
• Shut out distractions and concentrate on the message
• Be intellectually curious

Mud Puddles and Dandelions

See Life Thru the Eyes of a Child

Yesterday my husband and I drove out into the country to meet some friends we hadn’t seen in quite a while. The bright blue sky, the brilliantly-colored flowers on the roadside and the dandelions gently waving in the breeze reminded me of the following piece of writing … 

“When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard.  My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.

When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away.  My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.

When I hear music I love, I know I can’t carry a tune and don’t  have much rhythm, so I sit self-consciously and listen.  My kids feel the beat and move to it.  They sing out the words.  If they don’t know them, they make up their own.

When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it.   I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk.  My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it until they fall to the ground laughing.

When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this,  give me that.   My kids say, “Hi God!  Thanks for my toys and my friends.  Please keep the bad dreams away tonight.  Sorry, I don’t want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy  and Daddy.”

When I see a mud puddle, I step around it.  I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets.
My kids sit in it.  They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with.

I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from?  No wonder God loves the little children!!

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”

— Author Unknown

Just a reminder about the important things in life!  With summer just around the corner, we may want to take more time looking at life like a child and enjoying the “Mud Puddles and Dandelions”

Getting Older!

Dear Grandson:

Getting Older!

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love, Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, “Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”