Four Ways to Change

“There are only four ways that you can change anything about yourself, your life, your work, or your relationships with others.” – Brian Tracy, self development author and coach

Brian Tracy says that to change you need to:

Do more of something
Do less of something
Start something
Stop something

We all have things that we would like to do more of but never seem to have the time.  The flip side of that coin is that we find the time to do things that perhaps don’t bring us all that much joy or aren’t of any great value in our achieving goals.  You might want to exercise more, do more yoga, spend more time with family, read more books but can’t fit it into your busy schedule.  On the other hand,  do you watch mindless TV, play hours of video games, spend too much time chatting on the phone?  So why can’t you do less of those things and therefore spend more time on the things you DO want to do.

The same holds true for starting something.  Perhaps you have to stop something in order to start something else.

If you find you are stuck and not moving forward, ask yourself “If I do X, what will that get me?”  For example, if you stop playing video games and read more books about investing, what will that get you? Perhaps that house on the beach when you retire, or a new car because your current one has 250,000 miles on the speedometer and may not last much longer. If the house or the car are important enough, you will stop playing the games and start reading.

If your answer is something that you deeply want or care about, then you WILL find a way to make the change. If you have a passion for something, it will drive you to do whatever is necessary.  If not, then it probably wasn’t all that important in the first place.

Action Steps

What do you need to do more of?
What will that get you?

What do you need to do less of?
What will that get you?

What do you need to begin?
What will that get you?

What do you need to stop?
What will that get you?

Include behaviors and attitudes in your list.
Ask those around you what they think you should stop, start, do more/less of.
Start small. Pick one thing and work on that.
Start today and change your life!

Out-of-the-Box Thinking

Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant’s beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant’s debt if he could marry the merchant’s daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender’s wife and her father’s debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father’s debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant’s garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant’s garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl’s dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

“Oh, how clumsy of me,” she said. “But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.”

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
— Unknown

LESSON FROM THIS STORY:  Sometimes we twist our minds into a knot trying to find a solution and often believing that there really isn’t one that makes sense.  If we can just let go and think of the problem in a different way, the answer might be right there.

Is there a problem you’re trying to solve? Breathe deeply, ask for the answer, then let it go and allow your creativity to take over.

Lose Weight and Improve Your Brain Power by Getting More Sleep

Turn off the lights!

I’m currently listening to an audio book that describes, in great detail, life in the 1700s.  No television, computers, cell phones or electric light bulbs. People generally went to bed after dark and got up at sunrise. Candles were used but even then people’s sleeping patterns were more in tune with their circadian rhythms than today.  Where people once averaged 10 hours of sleep a night, now the average is around six.

Our modern lifestyle allows us to cram more and more into each day.  Lights that burn day and night, flickering computer and television screens, not only in offices but in bedrooms, and a schedule that often makes getting even 6-7 hours of sleep a luxury. What is this doing to our biochemistry?

A recent paper from Rockefeller University looked at how artificial lighting changes our 24-hour circadian rhythm.  Mice were placed into an environment that had a 20-hour day instead of the standard 24. Six weeks later these mice had gained weight, were more reckless in their behavior and were less flexible mentally than the mice that had stayed on the 24-hour cycle.

Another interesting study, published in the journal Neuroscience, states that when people don’t get enough sleep they tend to make overly optimistic decisions.  This provides scientific evidence for what casino managers have long known — keep the lights flashing and the machines ringing to encourage  people to keep playing until they have lost all their money.

Based on these, and other studies, we may well be playing havoc with our brains, our metabolism and overall body chemistry.  Makes me think that life in the 1700s and before wasn’t so bad, at least when it comes to getting adequate sleep!

Baby Boomer Lifestyle – Conflict Resolution in Retirement

One of the emotional issues facing those of you who are considering retirement is the amount of time you will be spending with your spouse.  When you change from spending 8+ hours a day outside the house at your work to suddenly spending 24 hours a day with your spouse, conflict inevitably comes up. You both have your own interests and agendas.  Sometimes they’re miles apart!

Not only is the conflict unpleasant but it affects your health.  To keep your stress level down and your heart healthy, resolve conflicts by working together to meet the needs of everyone concerned.  Honest communication is the key. Here are some tips that work during the majority of conflicts:

• Take a breath and count to 10.  Breathe slowly and deeply to calm down your emotions if you’re feeling angry.
• Have the intention of working cooperatively toward a resolution or agreement. Focus on the positive not the negative.
• Attack the challenges, not the person.  You are looking for a solution, not trying to be a winner or turn the other person into a loser.
• Don’t waste time on “who started it.” Work together to figure out the next step to remedy the situation.
• Focus on the future not on all the wrongdoings and emotions of the past. Avoid using phrases such as “You always…..”
• Really listen to the concerns of the other person.  Come from the heart and do it without judgement. Agree to give each party a specific amount of time to speak (say10 minutes), without interruption.
• Come from a place of respect. Name calling and unkind words will only escalate emotions on both sides. If you can’t control your emotions, walk away after agreeing to a cool-off period.
• Avoid blaming the other person and take responsibility for your feelings. Start your sentences with “I” rather than “you” and express your emotions. Don’t make the other person guess what you’re thinking or feeling. They’ll inevitably be wrong, causing further conflict.
• Brainstorm some positive solutions by beginning with what you both agree on rather than on what is lacking.  If you look hard enough, you will find something.
• Know your goal.  What do you want the person to do?  How do want them to behave? What are YOUR needs? Be specific.
• Think about where you want to be in five years time.  Will this conflict impact that scenario?  How do you want to remember it?

So take a deep breath, listen, be fair, be flexible and remember that there is always a solution!

Attitude is a Matter of Choice

What are you sculpting today?

The Sculptor’s Attitude

“I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or … I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don’t have more money or … I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or … I can rejoice that I am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn’t give me when I was growing up or … I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or … I can celebrate that the thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or … I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or … I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or … eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or … I can feel honored because God has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping. What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!

Have a GREAT DAY … unless you have other plans.”

—Author Unknown

This piece spoke to me because of a recent client. He had just completed an assessment which pinpointed how his THINKING, (not the situations) was not only causing stress in his life and leading to health issues but also keeping him from being successful. Seeing it “on paper” was a real AHA moment for him.

We talk to ourselves all day and 90% of it is negative. If you’re at all familiar with some of the quantum physics concepts, you know that what you put out into the world is what you get back. The more negativity you put out there, the more negative situations you will find around you.

So next time you have a negative thought, STOP, and turn it into a positive one. It can’t hurt and it might just change your life. It’s your choice!

Midlife: Do You Let Your Inner Child Come Out and Play?

Most of us feel we are supposed to be one personality and wonder why we often feel like life is not working out the way we want it to. One minute we feel one way and then a few minutes or hours later we feel another way. The thing is, we are not just one person but a multitude of different sub-personalities who all want their “time in the sun.”

The work personality wants to get the job done while the play personality wants to relax and enjoy life. So we bounce back and forward feeling guilty when one runs the show and won’t let the other one out. Perhaps it is time you let the “playful child” lead you by the hand.

Some people are in touch with their playful inner child but many of us have suppressed or buried that personality because somewhere along the way we discovered that it wasn’t safe. Over the years we built stronger defense systems as a means of protection till the needs of “the child” were nowhere near being fulfilled. So the challenge is getting back in touch with your playful self.

There are many ways to do this but one of my favorites is playing with a puppy. Perhaps for you it’s a kitten. Any young animal is a delight to watch. Their carefree playfulness, their antics and the unconditional love they display can bring out that inner child, make you smile and warm your heart.

Start to think about some things that are fun and that you can include in your daily life. Even if it’s just a few minutes in the morning or the evening, find out what your “child” likes to do. You will bring more balance, joy, fulfillment and harmony into your life.

(The photo is one of my niece’s new puppies.  She and her husband breed Alaskan Malamutes in Australia.  Isn’t he just the cutest!)

Stressed Out? Let Blue Calm You

Spring is such a beautiful time of the year – it’s my favorite season. Nature provides us with an abundance of colors and fragrances. Don’t all the yellows, pinks, whites and other colors of the blossoms give your mood a boost? They do mine!

Silence is Golden

Silence is Golden

The Sound of Silence

Speech needs company; silence needs solitude.
Speech wants to conquer others; silence helps conquer oneself.

Speech makes friends or foes; silence befriends all.
Speech demands respect; silence commands it.

Speech is earth-bound; silence is heaven-bound.
Speech educates; silence exalts.
Speech is subjective; silence objective.

Speech has regrets; silence none.
Speech has limitations; silence is boundless.
Speech needs effort; silence a lot more.

Speech is human; silence is Divine.
While speaking you are heard by creatures; in silence you hear the creator.

Silence leads to a stillness of the mind,
Then to introspection,
Then to self-cleansing,
Finally to liberation.

— Prema Pandurang

I live alongside a busy highway where the constant sound of vehicles, sirens and horns fills the air 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  It is so noisy that if I leave the bedroom window open, sleep is almost impossible.  There are times when I search for silence, when I crave it. It rejuvenates my jangling mind like nothing else can.

And it’s not just physical noise that ramps up the stress levels.  There’s also the constant chatter of your own mind, racing from one thought to the next. Those thoughts that keep on going, just like the energizer bunny.  Perhaps you need some silence, some stillness of the mind. Even just a brief period of silence can lower your blood pressure, slow down the heart and lessen some of that adrenaline flowing through your veins.

So right now, find a quiet spot and for just a few minutes let go of your “to do” list and close your eyes, breathing in deeply and slowly once, twice and a third time. Find the silence and let it heal you!

Passion Deficit Disorder in the Workplace

A recent Careerbuilder survey found that 40% of workers say they have had difficulty staying motivated at work in the last year. As a result, employee turnover is expected to rise in the next year as disgruntled employees look for better positions and more flexibility in the workplace.

While the recession has caused employers to reorganize their operations to remain viable, it seems that many employees have felt neglected in the process. PDD (Passion Deficit Disorder) is obviously rife in the workplace. Or expressed another way, employees are not engaged! Does this apply to you and what are you going to do about it? Wishing and hoping that your employer will fix it for you, is not going to get you very far. And finding a new job may not happen for some foreseeable future.

One thing you might do is start living in the here and now. When we compare what we have now to how much more we had in the past or how much better off we were, we are going to become disgruntled. The past is over. Life is a series of cycles. They are not good or bad unless we decide to view them that way.

“It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so” – William Shakespeare

At the other end of the spectrum, perhaps you are engaged in wishful thinking about how much better it could be. Planning for a better future is one thing. Constantly wishing you could already be living that future, without taking any sort of positive action, leads to dissatisfaction with the present. It leads to a life where the present is never good enough. Where you never even see the “silver lining” that might be hiding there because all your energy is being placed in the “good old days” or the “brighter future.”

If you start adopting the mindset to find the positive in the present, giving it your full attention and best efforts, that positive energy will help draw you to the better opportunities you are looking for. Continuing to find fault, blame and unhappiness with the current moment will only keep you locked in negative energies and attracting more of the same.

I recently watched a client go through an amazing transformation after she took notice of how her thoughts were keeping her stuck in unhappiness. Locked in a job she hated, she was spiraling out of control, finding it an immense chore to get up for work every morning. When she started focusing on doing her very best, even when faced with the most mundane of tasks, she felt more at peace. Soon thereafter, once her superiors started to notice a change in her attitude and demeanor, she was given greater responsibility and more fun duties. As a result she is now well on the way to getting a promotion that will bring her much more fulfillment.

So remember, to change your life, you have to change your thoughts! When you change your thoughts, you can change PDD (Passion Deficit Disorder) to PED (Passion Every Day).

If you are stuck on figuring out what you’re passionate about, the following book can give you some clues.

Perfectionism Leads to Procrastination

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection.Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.”  — Michael J. Fox

Are you dealing with the fear of not being perfect?  Is failure unacceptable?  If you equate your self-worth with doing everything in your life perfectly, one of the things you will end up doing is procrastinating.  Procrastination protects you from rejection when you aren’t perfect. And nobody is perfect.  As human beings we all have our flaws and foibles.

Where did you pick up the belief that you had to be perfect?  Perhaps your mother often called you her “perfect little girl” or “the perfect little gentleman.”  At some point in your childhood, you learned that it was more about what you DID than WHO YOU WERE.

When you were given respect and appreciation, it was because of the things that you did rather than because of who you were as a person. This feeling was reinforced over time so that you developed the core belief that to gain love and respect you had to DO something. The more perfectly you did it, the greater the amount of appreciation and love you received.  The other side of that coin was the belief that you weren’t worthy of love and respect if you made any mistakes at all. If you wanted to be loved, your best wasn’t good enough if it wasn’t perfect.

Beliefs such as …

• I must be perfect and do things perfectly
• Everything I do should be right the first time – I should make no errors
• If it is not done right, it is not worth doing
• I should have no limitations

… lead to “if I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t even try.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• Do I need to be perfect or is excelling good enough?
• How is the need to be perfect hindering me?
• Am I clear about what excellence looks like?
• Am I willing to let go of the need to be perfect?
• Who am I trying to please with the need to be perfect?