When I’ve been Unsuccessful, I’ve been Controlled …

When I’ve been unsuccessful, I’ve been controlled. When I’ve been successful, I’ve been in control – Katherine Hepburn

Questions to Ask Yourself…

• If your life is out of control, who or what is “calling the shots”?  (You may not be able to abdicate your responsibilities, but you can control the way you view them)

• Why are you allowing the who or what to control you?  (You must be gaining some benefit by allowing this to happen. If you weren’t getting something out of it, you would change it)

• What will happen if you take back control?   (It may not be as bad as you think)

• Do you know what taking back control looks like?  (Clarity is the first step)

Action Steps

• Decide on what the most important thing in your life is right now.

• Take just one step that will give you back some control and then follow it up with more small steps.

• Understand that it’s YOUR choice.

You can’t ignore external life situations but you’ll never be successful if you allow them to control your thoughts and emotions. Blaming them for your success or failure is like waking up in the morning and asking someone else how you should feel.

Listen With Your Heart

“It seems rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners” –Erma Bombeck

In today’s world many people suffer from “agenda anxiety”, a term author, consultant, motivational speaker Nido Qubein uses for “the feeling that what we want to say to others is more important than what they might want to say to us.” So instead of truly listening to the other person, we are already formulating what we want to say in our minds.

When communication is lacking, relationships suffer. If you want to improve your relationships, practice listening from the heart and then speaking.

The authors of Managing From the Heart discuss what it means to communicate from the heart. Here are the five principles of “H-E-A-R-T” communication:

H – Hear and understand me.

E – Even if you disagree, please don’t make me wrong.

A – Acknowledge the greatness within me.

R – Remember to look for my loving intentions.

T – Tell me the truth with compassion.

Next time you’re involved in a conversation, focus on listening without giving any thought to your response.  It is only by communicating from the heart that you can make a difference.

Have you Stopped Asking for What You Want?

If there is something to gain and nothing to lose by asking, by all means ask! — W. Clement Stone (American best-selling Author)

Children think nothing of asking questions. They will bombard their parents with one question after another, not being content with just the first answer. Every answer seems to prompt another “why.”

Have you ever noticed how when we approach midlife, we have the tendency to stop asking questions. To stop asking for what we want. There are, of course, many reasons for this. Perhaps we don’t want to bother the other person or we may assume we already know what the answer will be or perhaps we don’t give the other person enough credit for having an intelligent answer.

I recently fell into this trap myself. For many years now I have needed more shelves in my office at my consulting job. I made the assumption that the office configuration was set and that was that! Recently, a newly-hired consultant proceeded to ask for more shelving for her office. Guess what — within a few days, there were the facilities folks putting up new shelving.

It had never occurred to me to ask but you can rest assured that promptly thereafter, I did. My new shelves should be installed any day now!

Are you asking for what you want and need? When you don’t ask, the answer is always “no.” If you have nothing to lose and will be no worse off than you are now, go ahead and ask. You may be pleasantly surprised … as I was.

Become like a child again, think about what you want and take a chance. If you ask politely and respectfully, there’s a very good chance the answer will be “yes.”

Perfectionism Leads to Procrastination

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection.Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.”  — Michael J. Fox

Are you dealing with the fear of not being perfect?  Is failure unacceptable?  If you equate your self-worth with doing everything in your life perfectly, one of the things you will end up doing is procrastinating.  Procrastination protects you from rejection when you aren’t perfect. And nobody is perfect.  As human beings we all have our flaws and foibles.

Where did you pick up the belief that you had to be perfect?  Perhaps your mother often called you her “perfect little girl” or “the perfect little gentleman.”  At some point in your childhood, you learned that it was more about what you DID than WHO YOU WERE.

When you were given respect and appreciation, it was because of the things that you did rather than because of who you were as a person. This feeling was reinforced over time so that you developed the core belief that to gain love and respect you had to DO something. The more perfectly you did it, the greater the amount of appreciation and love you received.  The other side of that coin was the belief that you weren’t worthy of love and respect if you made any mistakes at all. If you wanted to be loved, your best wasn’t good enough if it wasn’t perfect.

Beliefs such as …

• I must be perfect and do things perfectly
• Everything I do should be right the first time – I should make no errors
• If it is not done right, it is not worth doing
• I should have no limitations

… lead to “if I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t even try.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• Do I need to be perfect or is excelling good enough?
• How is the need to be perfect hindering me?
• Am I clear about what excellence looks like?
• Am I willing to let go of the need to be perfect?
• Who am I trying to please with the need to be perfect?

Stressed Out by the Way You See Yourself?

“You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself ” – Zig Ziglar

Do you find that something is always getting in the way of you achieving your goals? You do all the right things but you just can’t get to first base, never mind home base! Perhaps it all comes down to the way you see yourself. If you can’t picture yourself succeeding, you won’t get there.

Your logical left brain may be making all the right moves but your vision of yourself is wishy-washy. Your vision or self-image is the way you define yourself, the way you are in the world. It drives everything you do.

Your self image is dictated by your most important beliefs. You may be aware of some of these beliefs but others are hidden under the surface. For example, “I’m too old for this” or “I don’t have the right connections” or “I need an MBA or they won’t think I’m credible.” On and on it goes. If you change these hidden beliefs, you can make huge strides in changing your life because the way you see yourself will change.

Many of these beliefs come from significant emotional events that we went through when we were young. Words that our parents said to us, we took on as our own and we saw ourselves that way. Perhaps you were told “you’re stupid” or “you’ll never amount to anything” or “you’re always doing something dumb.” We connected to these concepts through our conscious, feeling hurt and disappointed. We felt powerless. As adults, we shrug our shoulders and say “This is just the way I am.”

Most people (yes, even the rich and famous) are afflicted with some form of “I’m not good enough.” You will have a hard time being successful in any area of your life in which you feel not good enough.

So how do you change these negative thoughts. There are a number of ways but my favorite is EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) or “emotional acupuncture.” Start globally with “Even though I don’t feel good enough to — ” Then ask yourself “WHERE am I not good enough?” and “HOW am I not good enough?” Pay attention to where you feel it in your body. Then start tapping. If you’re not familiar with EFT, contact me so that I can help you get started.

So bottom line, if you want to perform in a successful manner, see yourself as being successful. Do whatever you have to in order to get rid of any limiting beliefs that tell you otherwise. Once you have a crystal-clear picture of attaining your goals, when you feel the excitement of success and when you hear those words of praise, then you will be well on the road to goal achievement.

Modify Dreams or Magnify Skills

” You must either modify your dreams or magnify your skills.” — Jim Rohn, author and speaker

When I was in my early twenties in Australia my dream was to travel the world and visit exotic places. Not just for a few days but on an ongoing basis. My dream was to become a flight attendant.

Fortunately for me the now “extinct” airline, Pan Am, was interviewing to fill a small number of open slots. Along with a few hundred applicants, I interviewed for one of 20 positions. I was crushed when I didn’t make the cut. Then I was angry. Then upset. Then more determined than ever to make it happen. So did I modify the dream or magnify my skills?

I knew I had to magnify my interviewing skills if I wanted another shot. So I began visualizing what it would feel like to be living my dream, so that at the next interview I could do a better job of “being” the image I thought the recruiters were looking for.

Did I succeed? You bet, although not quite on as grand a scale as I had wanted. I took to the skies with a domestic airline rather than an international one. So I guess you could say that I magnified my skills and slightly modified my dreams.

If you are faced with a similar dreams/skills issue, here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:

1. Are the visions I have of my dreams complete, realistic and motivating? Do I need to reevaluate what’s truly important?
2. What skills do I need to expand to achieve my dreams and goals? What is my plan for doing so?
3. Will I do whatever it takes to fulfill my dreams?
4. What next step can I take immediately?

So make sure you have a brilliantly clear vision of your dream and that you have the skills to make it happen. Then let go of expectations as to how it’s “supposed to” unfold and enjoy the journey!

If you need a facilitator to help you create your own Personal Strategic Life Plan, contact me at evelin(at)blueprints4change.com

“Take the First Step” by Doug Stevenson

I was in a class led by Doug Stevenson at the 2009 National Speakers Association convention.  His story-telling method was extremely impressive – the stories all but leapt off the stage!  I wanted to share his article here because it is such an appropriate first step to following your passions.

I can remember growing up in Chicago when the year 2000 was a long way into the future. And now, in 2010, as we enter the second decade of the 21st century, I’m taking stock of how far I’ve come and what it took to get me here.

As a child watching movies, I dreamed of being an actor in Hollywood. And then one day…I found myself acting on a movie set at Paramount Studios.

After 16 years, when my acting career didn’t work according to plan, I set out for points unknown to find a new place to live and a new direction in life. That journey of discovery led me to Colorado Springs and a career as a residential real estate broker. Real estate led to keynote speaking, which expanded to training, and later included coaching.

As I look back and analyze what I had to do in order to get to where I am today, there are three things that I had to do over and over again.

1. Decide what you really want – even if it doesn’t make logical sense
2. Let go of the past in order to step into the future
3. Take the first step, regardless of how knowledgeable or prepared you are

What did you want to be when you grew up? Did you do it? Did you even attempt it? Or did you let other people talk you out of it because it was impractical, illogical or unrealistic? Or did you talk yourself out of it for the same reasons. Perhaps you pursued your dream, (like I pursued my dream of becoming a movie star), and at some point along the way found yourself disillusioned with the results.

I find the life I’m living in the year 2010 is one that I never would have imagined. I have a thriving speaking, training and coaching business. My wife, Deborah, and I work together in the business and get to travel all over the world. Our life together is better than what I had ever dreamed of. But it would never have happened, had I not followed the three steps above.

As many of you know, I’ve taken up running to get in shape. I run three or four times a week with the goal of running several half-marathons each year. In other words, I’m in training. Every time I workout, I chart how many miles I run in my logbook. Runners call it putting miles in the bank. The more miles you put in the bank, the better you’ll do in a race.

Putting miles in the bank is a metaphor for putting life experiences in the bank.

Looking back, I’ve utilized my simple three-step formula every time I wanted to move to the next level of achievement in my life. At every turning point, the decisions I made, letting go and taking the first steps were like putting miles in the bank – my life experience bank. And with each mile, I got stronger.

My first big life decision was to make a serious commitment to becoming an actor. So after one year of college, I let go – dropped out – and got involved in the acting scene in Chicago. The first step I took was to enroll in a Second City improvisation workshop. Someone in that workshop told me about a Method Acting class, so I studied there for 2 ½ years. And someone in that class told me about an audition for a new musical. I auditioned and was cast as Danny Zuko in the world premiere production of GREASE. I then decided to go for the big time in Hollywood, and I let go of the acting scene in Chicago and moved to Los Angeles. Then one step led to another and the rest is history. But it never would have happened had I not decided what I wanted, been willing to let go, and taken the first step.

Thirteen years later, having done everything I could think of to make it as an actor, it just wasn’t happening. I’d had limited success in movies and TV, had some great experiences doing plays and singing in a rock band, but it was clear to me that my acting career wasn’t going to take off. Once again, it was time to decide what I really wanted and to let go of what wasn’t working. At that point, I decided that what I wanted more than anything else was to be happy. And I wanted to be married and have a family. To do that, I felt that I needed to let go of my Hollywood dream of becoming a rich and famous actor. It was time for another first step: to pack my bags and head east.

I believe the hardest thing to do when things aren’t working, is to admit it and let go. When you’ve invested your heart and soul into something that isn’t working, the numbing pain you’re living with seems less frightening that the excruciating pain of letting go and moving on. Having invested 16 years of my life into being an actor, I didn’t want to let go. Being an actor wasn’t just what I did, it was who I was. But I summoned my courage, and just as I’d done when I left my past behind in Chicago for an uncertain future, I make a decision, let go and took the first step into the future.

You cannot move forward in life while holding onto everything from the past. Something’s gotta go. And sometimes, someone’s gotta go. For me that something was Hollywood and an acting career. And that someone was my old identity as an actor.

1. Let go of beliefs that have been proven false:

• About yourself and who you are
• About the way life is supposed to work
• About needing to know how before you begin

2. Let go of people who are holding you back:

• People that you love that are negative
• People that want you to stay the same for their sake, not yours
• People who have a world view that is not in alignment with yours

3. Let go of fear of the unknown. When you step out, you will make it known.

4. Let go of believing you have to do it all by yourself.

Each bold new decision is accompanied by the need to take another first step. In my experience, each first step is almost always accompanied by fear. At the beginning, the fear is huge. But every time you take a step, you put miles in the bank. And with each mile you run, the fear diminishes and you become stronger.

It takes courage to change. Every time you make a change however, you become more courageous. With every mile, every life experience, you get stronger.

You’ve made thousands of decisions that have brought you to where you are right now in your life. Are you happy? Or do you want more: something else, the next level of achievement? I thought acting was going to be the entire book of my life. I was wrong. It was simply a number of amazing and unforgettable chapters. Are you ready to start writing the next chapter in your life?

What do you really want? Forget about being practical and rational for a moment and let yourself say it. Let yourself dream it. If you want your life to be different in 2015, you need to start training today. Decide what you want, let go of the past and take the first step.

• There are over 5000 subscribers to this newsletter. I took the first step in April 2000.
• This is the 83rd Story Theater Newsletter. I took the first step back in May 2000.
• I just hosted my 96th Story Theater Retreat. I took the first step in August 1996.
• I’ve given over 700 hundred keynotes and trainings. I took the first step in October 1987.

What are you in training for?

• Your first book? How many pages did you put in the bank today?
• A full time speaking career? How many speeches did you put in the bank this month?
• A new job or career? How many inquiries did you put in the bank today?
• A new certification or degree? How many classroom hours did you put in the bank this month?
• A job promotion? How many “above and beyond” actions did you put in the bank this week?
• Running a marathon? How many miles did you put in the bank this week?

And finally: what are you going to have to let go of in order to move into your new and exciting future? What are you holding onto that is holding you back? Who are you holding onto that is holding you back?

Take the first step. Today.

Doug Stevenson
Author of Doug Stevenson’s Story Theater Method and creator of The Dynamite Speech System
www.storytelling-in-business.com
1-719-573-6195
deborah@dougstevenson.com

“You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.” Henry Ford

What are You Reflecting in Midlife?

House of 1000 Mirrors (Japanese folktale)

Long ago in a small, far away village, there was a place known as the House of 1000 Mirrors. A small, happy little dog learned of this place and decided to visit. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging as fast as it could. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast as his. He smiled a great smile, and was answered with 1000 great smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the house, he thought to himself, “This is a wonderful place. I will come back and visit it often.”
In this same village, another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, decided to visit the house. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door. When he saw the 1000 unfriendly-looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, “That is a horrible place and I will never go back there again.”

What kinds of reflections do you see? Do they change depending on how joyful and engaged in life YOU are?  If you don’t like what you see, perhaps you need to take the first step of looking within.

Midlife: Deserting Our Ideals

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
-Samuel Ullman (from “Youth”), businessman and poet (1840 – 1924)

Are you becoming disillusioned with your life?  Not sure what your purpose is? Think you’ve found your purpose but it isn’t “moving you to tears”?  These are some of the questions that participants in my classes grapple with. 

Discovering what is truly important to you is an “inside job.”  You can’t think your way there using your mind.  Go within by focusing on your heart (it may even help to put your hand over your heart) and let the feelings bubble up. If you start to get excited about a particular path, follow it and see what else comes up.  Some people find it difficult to connect to the heart so it may take some time.  Don’t let impatience and the need to find the answer get in the way of allowing the journey to happen.

Ask Yourself…

What ideals have you deserted? 

In what area have you become less than enthusiastic about your life?

Action Steps …

Look at your ideals – to see why they have changed.

Become your own architect – create something that will make you jump for joy every time you think about it.

What one small step can you take TODAY to stop your soul from wrinkling?

Midlife Dreams: Do You Believe They’re Possible?

“The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible.” -­ Richard M. DeVos

Points to Ponder 

What do I want from life?

What is standing between me and getting it?

How would I feel if I never achieved what I wanted?

How will I feel when I get what I want?

Do I believe getting what I want is possible?

Take Action!
                          
If you don’t know what you truly want, take the time NOW to find out. Don’t leave this life with “if only I had followed my heart.”

Imagine the feeling of getting what you want – joy, excitement, enthusiasm for life, bliss, contentment. Focus on it as often as you can.

If you don’t believe it’s possible, ask yourself “why not?”  The answers will undoubtedly be self-limiting beliefs that can be overcome.

Commit to taking one step, today, towards overcoming whatever is blocking you.