Midlife Passion or Fantasy?

A question I was recently asked by a participant in my workshop about finding and living your passions (those things that are truly important to you) was “how do I know if this (what I want) is really my passion or just pie-in-the-sky?”  In other words, is this goal inspired by higher-level values or is it simply a fantasy?

Values are the motivators of your behavior.  Your values are those deeply-held beliefs about what is good or bad, appropriate or not, right or wrong.  They come from childhood (the first seven years when your critical-thinking skills were not developed) and are based on your observations of those people around you – parents, grandparents, teachers, religious leaders etc.

Your motivation to live your passions and achieve your goals is based on your perception of the feeling that passion will give you once it is achieved. Is that feeling internally- or externally-driven?  The answer will give you insight into whether or not your goal is a worthy one.  Whether it is truly your passion or a fantasy.

Step 1 – What is the Underlying Value?

Look at your passion/goal and ask yourself the following question until you get to an answer that repeats if you continue to ask the question – When I am living this passion (goal that is truly important), what will that get me? That repeating answer will be a value (freedom, security, peace, etc).

Example: Your passion is to be the top Country and Western singer in Nashville

Question: What will that get me?

— I’ll be in front of large audiences

What will that get me?

— Fame and fortune

What will that get me?

— Lots of money

What will that get me?

— A big house, fast cars, worldwide travel

What will that get me?

— Happiness  and fun

So the values are happiness and fun

Step 2: Is the Value Internally- or Externally-Driven?

Once you have determined what the value is, can you get it if you do not achieve your goal?  So the next question is – If I never achieve this passion, will I still be able to get/be (Value)?

From the example above: If I never get to be a famous C&W singer, can I still get happiness and fun?

If the answer is no, then you are depending on something external to yourself to bring you happiness and fun.  If achieving your goal is the ONLY way you can get happiness and fun, then you are being ego-driven.

If on the other hand, you say, “yes I can still have happiness and fun even if I never live my passion because I enjoy singing just for myself even when there is nobody around.  Singing makes me happy on the inside and it’s a tremendous amount of fun” then you are being internally motivated.

Your goal is a worthy one! You will likely have the drive and energy to pursue it until you are successful even if you are faced with challenges along the way.

Midife Health: The Incredible, Edible Egg

Despite all the bad press over the years, “eggsperts” are finally admitting that perhaps the egg isn’t such an “evil” food, something I’ve never believed.  Unless of course you happen to order a quiche in a restaurant (as I did last night) and forget to ask if it’s made with real eggs or yellow liquid out of a carton. It took me 5 minutes to realize my error, at which time I promptly asked the question, got my response and changed my order.  As a Naturopath, I’m very conscious about what foods I put in my body – fake eggs are not real food!

Eggs are one of my favorite foods as long as they come straight from the farm and are laid by chickens that are allowed to roam in the grass where they can eat bugs, worms etc.  These nutrition-rich natural eggs with golden-yellow yolks and fresh flavor are remarkably different from the supermarket variety.

Although eggs do contain cholesterol, they are also high in phosphatides (an oily organic compound that makes up cell membranes) and lecithins (essential for metabolizing fats), so they don’t add to the risk of hardening of the arteries. They are also a rich source of essential nutrients (many of which we become deficient in as we age) along with high quality protein and riboflavin. Not to mention they are easy and quick to use in all manner of recipes.  They beat a McDonald’s hamburger any day!

You may, however, be surprised to learn that not all eggs are equal, even when they’re marked “organic.” The best eggs come from family farms where chickens are raised on well-managed, rotating pastures.  Next best are those where chickens have ample space and are encouraged to go outdoors to well-managed runs or pastures. Eggs that I stay away from are ones that come from the industrial-scale egg operations where chickens are confined in cramped quarters with no access to the outdoors.

If you are an egg lover and are interested in the rankings of various organic eggs, go to http://www.cornucopia.org/organic-egg-scorecard.  You might be surprised.  I know I was!

Midlife Health: Forgetfulness

Periwinkle

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it’s made a big difference for me.”

“That’s great! What was the name of that clinic?”

Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

By the time we get to midlife, or even before, we can all probably relate to the joke.  First you forget your car keys, then you don’t remember whether you paid the phone bill and next you can’t remember your ATM password.  Forgetfulness can be a normal part of aging.

Scientists now tell us that most of us can stay both alert and able as we age, although it may take us longer to remember things. I like to think of it as already having so much information and knowledge in my brain that some of it gets misplaced for a time underneath another pile of good information.  It’s not lost, just buried.

In addition to some of the popular brain training games and memory techniques, there’s a supplement that might be helpful – Vinpocetine.

Vinpocetine is an extract from the leaf of the periwinkle plant.  Studies have shown that it can help circulation in the brain, improve oxygen use and make red blood cells more flexible and less clumped together.  It was developed in the 1960s and is available as a prescription drug in Japan and Europe but as a dietary supplement in the US and Canada.

Interestingly, this brain booster has also been shown to improve eyesight in many cases. That way, you can see more clearly what you’ve forgotten!

As always, check with your practitioner first regarding any possible side effects and interactions with other substances.

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All material is provided for informational or educational purposes only. Consult a physician regarding the applicability of any opinions or recommendations with respect to your symptoms or condition.

Make a Difference!

My husband and I recently spent a week on Longboat Key, Florida. Our two-bedroom condo, albeit rather rustic in appearance, was located right on the beach, which meant that all we had to do was go down a flight of stairs and we were directly on the sand.  The sunsets were spectacular, the beach uncrowded and the water a tepid lukewarm temperature.

Each time we walked along the beach we spent considerable time delving through pile upon pile of shells. Many were a delight to behold but the highlight was a live starfish floating gently to and fro in about ¼” of water.  I had never seen one before, nor had friends who had lived at the beach for years. That starfish reminded me of the following story…

The Starfish Story

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

“I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?” asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, “It made a difference for that one.”

(adapted from “The Star Thrower” by Loren Eiseley (1907-1977)

So ask yourself, have you made a difference for someone or something today?  Perhaps it was an action so small you don’t even remember… a kind word … a smile … a helping hand. It may not have seemed like much but it could have made a difference!

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

Paradise

Just could this be paradise

right here where you are?

Nirvana within you

not somewhere afar?

Tho’ some would decry it

and say it can’t be

just follow along

if you long to be free.

Your life’s what you make it –

your choices each day

the thoughts that you harbor

and words that you say

determine the status

of your life today.

So if you want more

than you think you have now

watch closely your mindset

and you’ll find out how

Just live in the present.

Think only the best

about yourself first

and then all the rest

of your brothers and sisters –

you’ll find that you’re blest

and really in paradise.

It’s all in your mind.

Whatever you look for

is just what you’ll find.

— Larry Brophy

(Photo by H. Thronson)

Midlife: Following Your Passions: If Not Now, When?

There are a number of reality shows out there in TV land.  They feature dancers, singers, models, fashion designers, home designers, chefs etc. etc. The only show along those lines that I’ve ever really followed is Dancing With the Stars though I have to admit I enjoy the food-related ones as well.

What makes people appear on those shows?  Probably a number of different reasons but the bottom line is that they are passionate about the skill they bring to the show.  They give their all. They are focused on being absolutely the best they can be at their craft.  All in the hopes of winning and being able to fulfill the dream of living their passion.  Every decision they make, every sacrifice is based on following their passion.  Some are successful, some aren’t.

Take Paul Potts, the winner of the Got Talent competition, for example. He always liked opera. With his self-confidence at rock bottom because he was always “different”, he sang in private to console himself.  At the age of 37, nervous and shy, he nonetheless showed up for the audition of Britain’s Got Talent competition and launched into a spectacular tenor aria Nessun Dorma. The judges and the world were stunned. He went on not merely to win, but to sing for the Queen. And now having produced a hugely popular CD he is touring the world.

Are you following your passions?  If not, why not?

All too often we make choices that are not in favor of our passions because we can’t see HOW that passion could possibly be fulfilled. You are not responsible for the HOW.  Your job is to get crystal clear on the WHAT. Once you are focused on and totally committed to the WHAT, the HOW will take care of itself. By taking even small action steps you will find opportunities coming to you that you hadn’t even imagined. When Paul Potts committed to the WHAT, the HOW appeared.

You can discover your passions without spending agonizing months in front of audiences and a panel of judges.  Let The Passion Test(tm) help you become clear on those five things that would leave you feeling terribly unfulfilled if you didn’t accomplish them during your life.  If not now, when?

Midlife Lifestyle: Time to Bring Back Conversation

The following article got my attention because it covers a topic that had just been on my mind.

My husband and I recently returned from a trip to Orlando (part business, part pleasure).  While there we found an incredible restaurant/wine and jazz bar where we had a delicious meal, excellent service and great conversation.

During the evening a “middle-aged”, well-dressed, professional-looking couple came in and were seated a few tables away.  Since they were in my line of sight I couldn’t help but notice them during the hour or so that they were there. The interesting part was that they probably only spoke with one another for about 10 minutes during the whole time. Didn’t they have anything else to say?

Obviously, there could have been a number of reasons they weren’t communicating (just had a fight, jet lag, etc) but my thought was “how sad.”  As the following article goes on to state, we have, in many cases, lost the art of conversation.

Perhaps it’s time we brought it back!

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Is the Art of Conversation Dying?

(And if so, why?)

Broadly speaking, I’d answer with “Yes.”  I notice much less of this art than I did a few decades ago.

Another way I respond to this question is that “The artists of conversation are dying off, and there are fewer remaining.”

Why are they “dying off”?

As with the pandemic of obesity and poor health, if people have too little exercise and too much junk food, their health will fail. High blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.

The same is true with the art of conversation: It’s a “use it or lose it” situation.

Here are some key reasons why this art seems to be dying:

1.  We live in a hurry-up world that doesn’t support lengthy conversations. The main way people learn and maintain skills in the art of conversation is the amount of time they devote to it.  But if everyone’s rushing and too busy to talk, their skills suffer.

2. Conversation has been replaced by television as a form of social and family entertainment.  Although you may go to the home of friends to watch a TV show or a DVD, you are less likely to pay a visit for an evening of talk.  The number of hours Americans spend watching television is huge compared to the time they spend talking.

During my childhood, family friends and their kids would come for a visit and an evening of coffee and conversation.  We kids would play board games or cards.   Sometimes kids would just listen to the grown-ups, especially if one of them was a good story-teller.  Nowadays?  Not so much.  In fact, almost not at all.

3.  True “third places” are fewer. Not the home or the workplace, but a place that is highly accessible and free or inexpensive for food and drink such as lodges, bowling alleys, neighborhood pubs, coffee shops.  At best, they’re like the bar in the classic TV show Cheers, “where everybody knows my name.”

Robert Putnam of Harvard wrote his book, Bowling Alone (2000) to describe the “The Collapse and Revival of American Community.”    Since its publication I have seen a continuing collapse – but not many signs of revival.

4.  My guess:  Conversation skills are not valued in our society as they once were. Rarely do I hear a person described as “well-spoken,” or as a “fascinating conversationalist.”   I used to hear such phrases as compliments that identified a person.

What is valued is sought after.  My belief is that if conversation skill were highly valued, hundreds of courses and programs would spring up to support people to master the skill.

What can you do to maintain or grow your art of conversation?

• Participate in a book club where members discuss ideas.  (Most public libraries host or know about such clubs in your community.)
• Join or form a “conversation café.”  The rules for setting up such an activity are pretty simple, and get-togethers are held in local coffee shops.  Check www.conversationcafe.org for details.  Or form a “MasterMind Group”  with a few associates to help advance toward your goals.
• Defy convention and host “an evening of conversation” at your home. Turn off the tube.  Play a word game like “Fictionary” to get people talking.  Or create some “Getting to Know You” conversation starters.
• Identify the smart and articulate people in your life and invite one of them for a walk or a cup of tea for the purpose of sharing your thoughts in a deeper conversation.  (This can work, as philosopher Theodore Zeldin has demonstrated with his popular “Feast of Conversation” events in London where hundreds show up for the opportunity to talk about deep ideas with a complete stranger.)

Just as staying trim and fit takes some time and effort with exercising and eating wholesome food, keeping your art of conversation alive also takes a some special effort.

The Better Conversations Newsletter by Loren Ekroth.  Reprinted with permission.  Copyright 2010.  All Rights Reserved.  Dr. Loren Ekroth is the publisher of “Better Conversations” newsletter since 2002.  For a free subscription to The Better Conversations newsletter visit www.conversationmatters.com

Midlife: Are You the Chicken or the Eagle?

Our lives are shaped by the way we perceive ourselves.  Sadly, those perceptions are often a long way from the truth but we nonetheless behave and live as if they were true. How many times have you stopped yourself from living your dreams because you “didn’t deserve to”, “weren’t good enough to”, “didn’t have the right background”, “weren’t smart enough” or a myriad of other “good” reasons?

A perfect example of this is a story that comes from American Indian folklore. According to the legend, an Indian brave found an eagle’s egg that had somehow fallen, without breaking, from its nest. Not being able to find the nest, the brave put the egg in a prairie chicken’s nest, where the mother hen hatched it.

When the young eagle took his first steps into the world what he saw were the other prairie chickens.  So naturally he did what they were doing – scratching the ground, running around and pecking here and there looking for grains and husks. Every now and again they would use their wings to fly a few feet above the ground. This was the way he perceived life was meant to be and this was how he lived for most of his days.

The legend continues with how one day an eagle flew over the chickens. The now elderly eagle, still thinking he was a prairie chicken, looked up in awe and admired the bird as it soared through the sky. “What is it?” he asked, astonished.  One of the chickens replied, “That is an eagle, the proudest, strongest and most magnificent of all the birds. But don’t imagine that you could be like that. You are one of us and we are just prairie chickens.”

And so, imprisoned by this belief, the eagle lived and died thinking he was prairie chicken.

Think “impossible” and dreams get discarded, projects get abandoned, and hope for wellness is torpedoed.  But let someone yell the words “It’s possible,” and resources we hadn’t been aware of come rushing in to assist us in our quest.  I believe we are all potentially brilliant and creative-but only if we believe it, only if we have an attitude of positive expectancy toward our ideas, and only if we act on them. – Greg Anderson, “The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness”

It’s a Matter of Perception

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?” “It was great, Dad.” “Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked. “Oh Yeah” said the son. “So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.” With this the boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are.”

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Each day we go through a myriad of feelings.  Sometimes we’re joyful and happy, sometimes frustrated and angry or perhaps simply in a neutral space.  One feeling lasts for a period of time and is then replaced by another one.

These feelings are the result of our perceptions about what is going on in the moment.  Our reality.  But my reality is not the same as your reality.  Imagine that you are out walking at dusk.  You turn a corner on a dusty road, see a snake and scream.  I am right behind you, turn the same corner and see only a piece of rope on the road. Same situation, different perceptions.  In the story above, the father sees poverty where his son sees abundance.

So next time you are feeling frustrated, angry and irritated, at yourself or someone else, take a moment and try to see the situation from a different perspective. Sometimes life isn’t fair and sometimes we have no control over events but there’s always another way to look at it if we just stop and take the time.

“We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.” — Anais Nin

Aging and Attitude

The following poem was found among the possessions of an aged lady who died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland. Unknown and with little left to give to the world, she has touched the lives of many all around the world with these eloquent words.

A Crabbit Old Woman

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?

What are you thinking when you’re looking at me?

A crabby old woman, not very wise,

Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,

When you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try!”

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,

And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill….

Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse; you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I’m a small child of ten … with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters, who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,

Dreaming that soon now a lover she’ll meet.

A bride soon at twenty-my heart gives a leap,

Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,

Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,

Bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,

But my man’s beside me to see I don’t mourn.

At fifty, once more babies play round my knee,

Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead.

I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,

And I think of the years and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old woman …. and nature is cruel;

‘Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,

There is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,

And now and again my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,

And I’m loving and living life over again.

I think of the years … all too few, gone too fast,

And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,

Not a crabby old woman; look closer, see ME!!

* * * * * * *

Remember this poem when you find yourself becoming irritated with an older person, being negatively judgmental or brushing by them without seeing the young soul inside. One day we too may be the “crabby old woman/man”!